(Not So) Deep Thoughts

16 February 11 - This blog space has endured its longest stretch of dormancy in quite some time, mostly because I haven't played a hand of poker in over four months. There are many reasons attributable to this inactivity, and the dearth of poker in my life has, as much as any other arbitrary circumstance, driven me to introspection.

Mostly, I haven't played poker because I've been unwilling to handle the solitary, applicable bankroll requirements necessary for success; and this factor inevitably led to a negative mindset, which is a death sentence for a poker player. Instead of playing without a backer, I simply reduced my 'production' as I concurrently reassessed my current environment. Additionally, over this period of reduction, I found myself increasingly less interested, passionate, and driven to play and study poker at the levels of immersion that are necessary for the moderately-talented to prosper. On top of that, the standard fluctuation of life events (which were all positive turns) tacitly coerced me into a state of poker 'purgatory' that ultimately resulted in the four-month abstinence that continues to this day.

I wouldn't say that this was a conscious, prearranged, or methodical plan of action. Instead, it was an organic one, much akin to trusting your instincts when the pressure exerts itself most forcefully at the moment of truth during a critical juncture deep in a tournament. You have the choice to simply trust your gut or to abandon your instincts and think through the moment empirically. In my opinion, there's really no way to judge which is the better choice. But if you're conditioned to listen to your instincts, and you've employed this tactic repeatedly, you're likely to settle on instinct. Which has led me to this point.

As I slowly backed away from the immediacy of a poker-centric existence, I found myself relieved that my identity wasn't solely defined by poker. Personally speaking, I find it unfulfilling to identify myself solely with an arbitrary vocational pursuit. This has been a constant in the varied iterations of my adult life. It seems strange to me that an accepted, systemic truth of American culture is to define one's life by vocation, attained possessions, and perceived social status. And though it seems vacuous and deceitful to me, throughout my adult life I have often found myself in this self-afflicted rut, searching for a way out. As much as I seemingly despise the conditioned path, I have found it be a familiar road on my life's journey.

Instead--what is most important to me--is to maintain a sense of self that is defined by a healthy, diverse amalgam of influences, undertakings, and events that create a composite of fulfillment. Balance. In striving so fervently for immediate, large-scale poker success, I lost that. And to this myopia do I attribute my lack of passion and desire to play poker.

What has been startlingly impactful, however, is the persistent, nagging 'tug' for attention that poker has exerted on me during this time frame. As far away as I have seemingly been, I have never been fully detached or removed. I know this sounds completely contradictory, but it is true. As desirous as I've been to reorient myself into a balanced lifestyle, I've also been dogged by the notion that poker is an indelible part of my existence (as ridiculous as that might sound), and one that I'm certainly not prone to abandon.

As time has passed, I have felt an odd sense of guilt for not playing or even updating my blog. I realize that sounds egocentric, and that the content of this post is completely self-indulgent, but it is nevertheless something that I feel compelled to examine in the format that is the (poker) blogosphere.

I'm hopeful in the near future to fully re-acquire my desire to play poker on a consistent basis. I think it will happen, though I don't know when, nor am I going to force it. C'est la vie.

If anyone out there is still reading, much thanks.